Thing 8: The long-lost roommate

Originally posted to Facebook on June 1st, 2013, this is probably one of my favourite passages thus far. It followed a discussion with some friends about a spider earlier that day, and I cracked myself up while writing it. Enjoy!

Thing 8: The Long-Lost Roommate

Erica's piercing scream filled the house. Dave ran into the room to find her perched precariously on the corner of the couch, eyes wide and hands frantically waving toward the floor.

"KILL IT OH MY GOD!"

He tilted his head in confusion before directing his attention in the general direction of her flailing appendages. There, casually milling about its business, was a rather sizable arachnid. Dave's fear turned to amusement as his housemate let out another terrified squeal.

Dave chuckled. "That's a hell of a spider."

Erica refused to blink. Her one planted foot strained as she tried to stand on its very tip, as if trying to float away. Maybe she'd be safe if she wasn't touching anything that could eventually lead to her spidery demise. "Why are you just STANDING THERE!? MY LIFE IS IN DANGER!"

The spider took a single step. She screamed.

"Now now, calm yourself. It's not hurting anyone." Dave leaned toward the spider and addressed it like a pet. "Are you buddy? No you aren't!"

Erica could only manage a few gasping cries. She closed her eyes and continued to flail, a heartbreaking moan emerging from the back of her throat.

"Oh fine. Calm your tits, woman. Dave shall save the day!" As he spoke, Dave walked over to the closet at the other end of the room and removed one of his shoes.

"You are SO going to pay for that when I'm not going to di-EEEEEEE!" The spider took another step, eliciting another desperate squeal from the besieged.

Dave only chuckled as he returned with the shoe. He took a moment to carefully align himself before raising the shoe above his head. "Sorry about this, buddy. The lady so desires, and so it shall be."

He silently congratulated his own poeticism as he let fly his impromptu projectile. It soared softly through the stale air of the apartment. Dave imagined the shoe's life flashing before its eyes as time slowed and the arachnid grew ever bigger in its sneakery vision. With a light thud, the two became one for but an instant. The shoe landed directly on the spider before bouncing away.

Exploding into action, the spider dashed away, phased but uninjured by the leathery missile. It disappeared into the apartment's other room.

A tense silence filled the air. Both Erica and Dave were too stunned to make even the slightest movement, as if any stirring would make the scene before them a reality.

Dave took a deep breath to break the silence. "Well then."

Erica screamed.