Thing 6: Write a story that begins with a ransom note.

Originally posted to Facebook on May 30th, 2013, this was a very fun passage for me to write. Incompetence can often be quite amusing.

Thing 6: Write a story that begins with a ransom note.

  Give us all yer gold or well kill er.

  Sellick sat back in his rickety chair and admired his handiwork. The note was roughly scribbled on a piece of hide using a charcoal stone he and his partner Ox had found earlier that day. They decided that they would use their superior intellect and their new treasure to finally obtain the vast fortune they sought when they left their home so long ago. Of course the obvious solution was to capture a wealthy princess and ransom her to her parents. After all, what father wouldn't do anything for his daughter?

  Ox scratched his unkempt head as he leaned over his friend's shoulder. "I dunno, Sel, shouldn't we kidnap tha princess 'fore we make tha note?"

  Sellick chuckled as he pushed back his chair, nearly knocking over his burly companion in the process. "Tha's why oi'm the smart one n' yu'r tha' pretty one. How we gonna kidnap a princess if we ain't got no note?" 

  Ox's smile revealed his few remaining teeth as he steadied himself. "Oh yea." He stood on the tips of his toes as he peeked at the note left on the table before them. It, like the rest of their small cave, was illuminated by a single, dwindling candle, giving him just enough light to see the chaotic scribbles. "Whatsit say?"

  He picked it up and held it before him in a regal manner as he cleared his throat. "It says: give us all yer gold or we'll kill 'er!"

  Ox tilted his head in confusion, prompting a small cloud of dust to erupt around him. "Tha's not very nice. Killin' 'er, I mean. Couldn't we jus', ya know, ruffer up a bit?"

  "Well, s'gotta be serious like. Else they won' give us nothin'."

  "But they'd be right mad if she died. If they's all rich and tha' then they'd 'ave a whole buncha soldiers. Whaddif they dun wanna give us nothin'? So we kill 'er, then they kill us, and then we ain't gotten us nowheres."

  Both of the men seemed to deflate a bit at the thought. Sellick frowned as he sat back down in the chair, leaning grumpily on one elbow. After a few minutes of deep thought, during which Ox shuffled clumsily about the cave, he jumped to attention and with a wide grin scribbled another line on the hide.

  "How's this then?" He stretched out the note behind his head for Ox to see: 

  ˙ǝʞıl pɐq lɐǝɹ ɹǝ ʇɹnɥ  ̶˙̶ɹ̶ǝ̶ ̶l̶l̶ı̶ʞ llǝʍ ɹo ploƃ ɹǝʎ llɐ sn ǝʌıפ

  Ox contorted as he attempted to read the text. He eventually found himself leaning fully back like a crab, straining his neck to see the note. 

   Give us all yer gold or well k̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶e̶r̶.̶  hurt er real bad like.

  "Yea, tha's good tha' is! Whoa--" Unable to hold the position any longer, Ox collapsed in a heap.

  Sellick looked over his shoulder in confusion. "Whatcha doin' back thar?"

  "Uh, nuthin'..." He scrambled to his feet. "So 'ow much gold we gonna git?"

  "I dunno, Ox. We gots ta find a really rich princess, an' then we git all tha' gold!" He put the note down in front of him, carefully placing the charcoal beside it before wiping his hands on his tunic.

  "But what it they lie?"

  Sellick leaned back in his chair until it was resting against Ox's burly midriff. "Whatcha mean?"

  "Well..." Ox began to move back as he completed the thought, causing a yelp to erupt from the surprised Sellick, frantically kicking his feet forward until the chair's front legs clicked back to the stone floor. "Lessay summit came an' took yer daugh'r."

  Sellick got up and punched his friend in the arm. "I ain't got a daugh'r, dummy."

  Unphased, Ox continued. "Yea, well says ya did. An summit comes long and snatches 'er up. Then they says 'oy, give us all yer gold er yer daugh'r gits it!'" He crouched and raised his arms to accentuate the point. He then points to Sellick. "N' then you says 'but I ain't got no gold!' What then? They just gives 'er back n says 'okay, 'eres ya go' 'cause y'ain't got nothin'."

  There was an awkward pause as Sellick's face crumpled in annoyance and Ox holds his pose. After a few moments of silence Ox put his arms down, straightened, and cleared his throat. "So yea... 'Cause ya know, they could."

  "Yeah yeah..." Once again Sellick returned to his chair, gingerly picking up the charcoal between his thumb and forefinger. "So what then?"

  "I dunno, ask fer a whole bunch, like..." He thought for a moment. "Like a hunnerd gold!"

  Sellick scoffed. "A hunnerd!? Tha's chump change tha' is!"

  "Uh... How's about a hunnerd thousand gold?"

  Sellick seemed to float off of the chair as his eyes widened at the thought. He quickly sobered himself with a shake of the head and rejected the idea. "Naw, tha's too much. We'd never get it. How's 'bout two thousand? Tha's a heap right thar n' any man'd pay it fer 'is own flesh n' blood."

  "Yea... Tha's a good'n. Toss it on."

  A few frantic scribbles later, Sellick stood and held the note triumphantly before him. 

  Give us a̶l̶l̶ ̶y̶e̶r̶ ᵗᵒᵒ ᵗʰᵒʷˢᵃᶰᵈgold or well k̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶e̶r̶.̶  hurt er real bad like.

  "Yeah, tha's perfect, tha' is." He carefully rolled up the hide and put it in his pocket.  "Now then. Where d'we find a princess?"