Thing 24: Put two people who hate each other in an elevator for 12 hours. What happens?

Originally posted to Facebook on July 5th, 2013. I got the numbering wrong at this point, so the numbers on Facebook are one behind. Despite that, this is possibly one of my favourite passages. I giggled incessantly while writing it.

Thing 24: Put two people who hate each other in an elevator for 12 hours. What happens?

July 5th, 9:13 AM - Well, this sucks. I was already late for work, but the elevator broke down, so I won't be able to get up to my office. I can't say I'm upset that my TPS reports will go unfiled, but I do have certain responsibilities to fulfill. I'm the type of person who wants to actually earn that pay check. Anyway, i don't know how long this will last, but hopefully it will be over with sooner rather than later. Bateman is locked in here with me. If that prick tries to lay a finger on me, I swear I will kick him in the nuts so hard that his children will curse my name for eternity. At least I have you, diary. We'll get through this together.

July 5th, 9:18 AM - Please kill me. Bateman's optimism is insufferable.

July 5th, 9:46 AM - Bateman's been telling what he claims are jokes since the elevator stopped moving. I wish his mouth would follow suit. I'm fairly certain that nuns and priests would never dream of committing the atrocities he's been spewing. Every religious ideology cringes in unison each time he deems himself worthy of speech.

July 5th, 10:19 AM - No more nuns and priest jokes? Dead babies are clearly the next logical step. I would think my quiet, simmering rage would be sufficient to stop this madness. Maybe he just likes the sound of his own voice... When will I be free of this hell!?

July 5th, 11:11 AM - I wish I could be free of this elevator. I expect delivery immediately. Surely my wish shall be granted on this, the most auspicious of minutes.

July 5th, 11:15 AM - Screw you, powers that be. I had hopes and dreams once. They've been replaced by rabbis and racial stereotypes. I hope you're happy.

July 5th, 11:24 AM - He farted. I think this is what rock bottom feels like.

July 5th, 11:26 AM - Okay, I lied. I farted. I don't want to die a liar. At least Bateman was nice enough not to say anything about it... Maybe he's just in denial that such an earth-rending stench could be elicited by so delicate a lady...

July 5th, 12:30 PM - Apparently Bateman is claustrophobic. When he ran out of jokes to tell he started just rocking back and forth for awhile before apologizing profusely. Maybe he's not such a bad guy after all.

July 5th, 1:01 PM - Am I a bad person? Probably. He's trying so hard to be cheerful, but I can see the tears welling up in his eyes. Bateman is scared, but he doesn't want to show it. I bet he just wants to rub it in my face later. He's still a jerk. I'm not letting him off the hook for the glitter incident last week.

July 5th, 1:59 PM - I've discovered that we are sharing the elevator with a spider. Normally this would be cause for alarm, but seeing as my only other choice of company is Bateman, I shall have to make the best of it.

July 5th, 2:13 PM - My attempts to telepathically connect with the spider have proven fruitless. I am hesitant to resort to verbal communication, as that might give Bateman the impression that I'm willing to talk to him. I shall redouble my psychic efforts.

July 5th, 2:45 PM - Dear spider, please accept this picture of a spider as my gift to you. I would like to be your friend.

/\( ' ' )/\
\ . .. . . /

July 5th, 3:00 PM - My attempts to communicate with the spider continue to prove ineffective. I guess it didn't like my picture. Wrong type of spider? Oh well. I guess I'll keep trying.

July 5th, 3:21 PM - Bateman killed my spider. I hate him so.

July 5th, 3:32 PM - Bored...

| 8 | 2 | 4 || 9 | 5 | 3 || 6 | 7 | 1 |
| 6 | 3 | 5 || 8 | 1 | 7 || 9 | 2 | 4 |
| 7 | 1 | 9 || 6 | 2 | 4 || 8 | 5 | 3 |
 ---------------------------------
| 5 | 8 | 7 || 2 | 9 | 1 || 3 | 4 | 6 |
| 1 | 4 | 2 || 7 | 3 | 6 || 5 | 8 | 9 |
| 3 | 9 | 6 || 4 | 8 | 5 || 2 | 1 | 7 |
----------------------------------
| 2 | 6 | 1 || 5 | 4 | 9 || 7 | 3 | 8 |
| 4 | 7 | 8 || 3 | 6 | 2 || 1 | 9 | 5 |
| 9 | 5 | 3 || 1 | 7 | 8 || 4 | 6 | 2 |

July 5th, 6:05 PM - That took an embarrassingly long time. At least I got it right...

July 5th, 7:13 PM - Ten. Freaking. Hours. I don't think I can speak anymore. Bateman feel asleep some time ago, so at least there's that, but I dare not test my voice for fear of inviting him back into the land of the conscious.

July 5th, 7:49 PM - Are we inside the elevator, or is the elevator inside all of us? What does the elevator see in you?

July 5th, 8:00 PM - After some thought, I've come to the conclusion that what I thought was a deep philosophical question is actually the beginnings of my insanity. I can't believe I wrote that down... Still, I promised I would never defile you, my precious journal, with corrections or alterations. You get only my true feelings. The condition, of course, is that you never share them, lest I burn you for your infidelity.

July 5th, 8:42 PM - This is the worst day ever. The Tic Tacs and energy bar in my purse were egregiously insufficient to fulfill my nutritional needs for so lengthy a sojourne. My stomach burns with the pangs of hunger, and my throat yearns for a single drop of relief. Is it too early to eat Bateman?

July 5th, 9:12 PM - I think I'll die in this elevator. My dearest diary, I leave you all of my earthly possessions, for in my darkest hour, you have ben my only friend.

July 5th, 9:13 PM - Okay, I was wrong. The power came back on, and we are free of our elevator prison. Bateman cried.

What a bitch.