Originally posted to Facebook on July 9th, 2012, this passage was a challenge to write a story without dialogue that I imposed on myself.
Criticism received from my peers:
- 'I think you do a good job dissecting the box from
an external omniscient perspective. However, it's Daniel that is
mesmerized with the box. Maybe take his viewpoint more, and try showing
how mesmerized he is with it THROUGH his observations that also describe
the box.'
- 'Reddit tells me to avoid -ly adverbs in general and that's a piece of
advice I'll pass on as well. There are stronger ways to convey
"suddenly", or "intently". Like: "A startled squeal from above pulled
him out of his reverie. He stumbled up the stairs, etc etc"'
- 'There are points where your being almost unnecessarily verbose. "Daniel
got her attention and motioned for her to come to him before returning
to the small cubby in the stairwell's wall" -> "Daniel waved her
over, eager to show her the cube" : the reader will know that he gets
her attention first, its part of the motioning her over.'
Without further ado...
----------------
The Box
The box was a strange thing.
It was dark, but not in a
sinister sort of way; almost as if someone had captured the essence of a
calm night within geometric bounds. The thing was also cool to the
touch and completely devoid of any sort of definitive marking. Its
surface was completely smooth, with even its corners rounded off. Were
one to run their hands along its length they would feel no seam or
imperfection save a small hole at precisely the centre of one side. Its
perfect symmetry gave it an eerie quality, as if not of this world.
Daniel
shook his head and briefly looked away. He found the box to be
mesmerizing, and that scared him a little. How could such a small thing
capture his attention so completely? What about this innocuous container
made it so difficult to look away?
Suddenly, he
remembered his sister. He went up the stairs just far enough for him to
peek over the rough carpet of the shop's second floor. Sarah was happily
toying with a shelf full of antique jewelery, blissfully ignorant of
the dust cloud rising from the pieces as she shifted them about. Daniel
got her attention and motioned for her to come to him before returning
to the small cubby in the stairwell's wall.
He carefully
examined the box once again, ignoring the ringing in his ears. The
yellow glow emanating from the shop's ancient lights seemed to glide
across the smooth surface before being welcomed inside, the only
evidence of its passing a faint shift in hue at the box's edge. It
seemed almost poetic; the box sitting in quiet serenity as a festival of
lights danced on its sides, sinking deeper and deeper into their new
home. The ringing grew louder as he stared intently at the artifact
before him. It beckoned him. He longed to join the lights as the danced;
to find out what made them never want to leave.
Suddenly
Daniel realized that he was only a few inches from the box, his head
hovering just outside of the small cubby. His mind raced to interpret
what he'd missed. The ringing in his memory morphed into the voice of
his sister, excited to learn what her brother had discovered. Suddenly
her hand appeared, reaching ot toward the box. Daniel's eyes widened and
time seemed to slow as her fingers gingerly brushed the smoth surface.
Then the box clicked.
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