Thing 36: The talk-show host

Thing 35 was kind of a big one, but there are another 607 things to be written about, so let's keep it going, shall we?

Thing 36: The talk-show host

"You're on in five, Dave."

"Thanks," says Dave, flashing his coworker a charismatic smile.

Inside, however, he was screaming.

Dave Pierce, bearer of The Piercing Truth, he who gets to the bottom of whatever your trouble may be...

Is growing seriously tried of your bullshit.

I hate them all, he thinks. Like I give a damn who the father of your baby is. Maybe if you stopped sleeping with every guy you met you wouldn't have this problem. Like I give a damn if your kid is an asshole. It's your kid: you deal with it. Like I give a damn if you're addicted to gasoline. There are professional services to deal with that kind of crap. I swear to god, one more day of this and I'm going to explode.

The smile stays on his face as he sorts through his papers. He doesn't read them, figuring the announcer will tell him what he needs to know before the newest batch of miscrients emerges to poison his air. Besides, knowing what's to come doesn't make his job any easier. They spout some bullshit, he spouts some bullshit, and everyone goes home angry. It's the same formula that has kept the unwashed masses watching TV since the dawn of talkshows.

A thumbs up from the producer means they're ready to shoot. Dave returns with a curt nod and his characteristic charming smile. It's show time.

One more hour, thinks Dave, and I can go home.

The theme music he so despises starts to play. Cheering erupts from the sheep in his live audience.

One more hour.

The camera zooms in. It's time.

"Welcome! I'm Dave Pierce, and this, is The Piercing Truth! This is the show where we get to the bottom of real issues for real people. This is raw, live television at its finest! Are you ready?"

More applause.

Fifty-nine minutes.

"Let's bring out our guests, Tom!"

"FIrst up on The Piercing Truth: young mothers! These girls are pregnant with their first children. The catch? None of them are even 16 years old! Where did they go wrong?"

I'm going to murder them all.