Thursday 12 November 2015

Thing 49: Write a review of a novel or memoir you've never written

Hey team! It's that time again. I do believe I'm getting close to overdue for another post, so here goes nothing.

BY THE WAY, for those of you that used to read my stuff, you should be happy to hear that we're approaching another story challenge! After every 10 "things" from my fancy pants book here, I get some audience suggestions and craft a tale using five of the weirdest ones. So there's that to look forward to, which is pretty swell.

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Thing 49: Write a review of a novel or memoir you've never written

Contrived.

This is, in my opinion, the only word which can adequately summarize Dominic Aquilina's first (and one would hope only) foray into the literary profession, if you could even call it that. The Boundless Depths, which I had the great misfortune of reading for the purposes of this review, is the sort of mindless drivel that one might expect from a first-time author only if one dearly wished for that author to fail. Aquilina somehow manages to capture everything horrible in the world and condense it into a string of glyphs that by some miracle flows into a semi-coherent gathering of sentences. To gaze upon the book's pages (and again, I use the term with great hesitation) is reminiscent of of an emaciated badger dragging a carcass studded with broken glass through one's corneae as it seeks to gain sustenance from the rancid flesh.

And yet, even these words fall short of what it is like to read The Boundless Depths. I would say that one must experience it themselves to fully understand, but this is a fate I would not wish on even my most execrated foes. That Breakwater Publishing saw fit to put ink to paper and produce this travesty is an insult to the entire forest from which each fateful tree originated. To burn each and every copy seems to be the only recourse before us, lest another unfortunate soul be subjected to Aquilina's mad ramblings.

In short, if I believed in any manner of a god, I would pray forgiveness for whatever slight caused it to allow such an abomination to spring forth from the depths of a long forgotten hell to plague us mere mortals in so permanent a form. The Boundless Depths, I can only hope, shall be banished to its namesake for all eternity, never to surface again. My life has been forever tainted for having read it.

I award -3 stars out of 10.

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